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Archive for May, 2008

Dear Ange

Dear Ange,

I am so sorry.

you were a better sister to me than I was to you. I’m so sorry about that. you would always be interested in what was going on with me. you would always ask about josh, and about max, or mentioned some old friend of mine you saw with some old story that I would never have remembered. you would always remember something that I mentioned during the last time we spoke to ask me about. I ignored you. I couldn’t be bothered. I’ve been wrestling with how guilty I feel for not being there for you. for not being interested the way that you were. For not being the sister you wanted. The sister you needed.

I am so sorry.

I should have been there for you. I should have offered you my help instead of my contempt. I should have been understanding instead of criticizing. Maybe you would have talked to me. trusted me.

I am so sorry.

So sorry for all the things you’ll never get to do. So sorry for giving up on you. So sorry for all the things you wanted but never had. So sorry for how scared you must have been.

I love you. I never said it to you. I never acted like it. But I did. And I do. And somehow, I know you know that. I hope you know that.

I’m sorry it took this for me to see the good things in you. for me to cut you a break. To help me remember back when we were little and what we meant to each other. I know now that while I longed to be an only child back in high school, that the grass is never greener. That our lives were better when you were in them, no matter how it felt at the time.

I never believed in god the way you did. I still don’t. but I feel likeā€¦. I feel like you’re all around me. In my car on a nice day with the wind blowing I feel like you’re everywhere. In the trees. in the wind. In the sun. peaceful. You’re calm and peaceful. And I pray to a god I know you believed in that you are. That you’ll always be.

I am so sorry.

I love you.

Mana

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