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Posts Tagged ‘reflection’

is it possible that almost another whole year has gone by? seasons have come and gone. a winter of heartache, with as many tears as snowflakes. a spring of sunshine and new experiences; a new home, new people, new places. of laughing again. of fun. a time of emotional rebuilding. and then drama. and stress. a summer of escape. a short-term home with friends. of drinks by the pool. of concerts, bon fires and softball. of professional failure. of new love, and another new home.

fall has come in like a lion. what started sunny and peaceful shifted suddenly to cold. to betrayal. to hurt and confusion… to reflection.

i remember this time last year, and the direction i know now that it was headed. the winter that was to come. and i wonder where this winter is headed.

i think of my sister. reflection always leads to thoughts of her. being October, and Domestic Violence Awareness month, i am particularly thoughtful on this topic. my sister must have felt heartache. i wonder if in her final seconds she knew. if she knew that the man she loved and had given everything to, was committing the ultimate betrayal. i wonder if she was angry. or just sad. or, if in the Lifetime movie spirit kind of way- forgiving.

i wonder if that is possible. and i wonder, what betrayals are forgivable?

abuse is never forgivable, but that is not what i mean. what hurt, which lies, what kind of betrayals are forgivable? should any be? as an idealist, should you refuse to forgive those who lie and betray you because you respect yourself enough to demand better? or as a realist, who understands human nature and behavior, is it inevitable that everyone at some point will hurt or lie or betray you in some way, and so forgiveness -at least of some- is too, inevitable?

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how i wish time could stand still. for a week. for a day. for two hours. for everything to just stop and be still and to have time. time that will not feel as though it were wasted spent just being alone inside your head. time to digest and mentally move forward. time to catch up, re-fuel.

i can not even begin to take measure of all that has happened over the past year. the mere thought of it is daunting. with christmas and the new year coming at such a time for my family -right on the heels of the trial– it feels as though there simply is no time. there has been so much that has happened this year. the effects of which i feel deserve an amount of consideration and reflection i am just unable to give it at the moment. i feel as though i have spent much of this year aware, involved and in tune and i do look forward to exploring the hidden meanings, mysteries and lessons that only come with that kind of really honest, thoughtful reflection.

this year has felt as though it has raced by. much of it has begun to blend in my memory, so i am thankful i picked up my mother’s habit of keeping a hanging calendar to mark important dates, as it lately has been something i find very useful. i will have to refer to it when sorting out the many events that occured in my life and in the lives of those around me this year. its unfortunate i can’t seem to do it in time for the new year. to be able to start 2009 with that feeling like you have a direction to go in. goals to meet.

so i will start the new year behind in that sense, and i am ok with that. because i know that i have already learned many things this year that have touched me in ways that i keep with me. i know that i have grown. and if i know anything, i know that life is right now. its what you make it. it’s not so much the idea that life is short, but it’s close. sometimes life is short, but you know – sometimes it’s long. what i have learned is that it’s the time that you have with the people who you are with in your life right now that is short. some of them you will lose without expecting it, some of them will move away, or simply drift apart from you. if you think about it, not many of the people you speak to on a regular basis right now will you still be talking to in say, 20 or 30 years. but these are the memories you will have. you’re making them -you’re living them- right now.

so let’s make them. live them. enjoy them.

right now.

“it’s been a long december and there’s reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last. i can’t remember all the times i’ve tried to tell myself to hold on – to these moments as they pass. ” counting crows

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cold monday mornings in the winter months are funny kind of days. everything moves a little slower, as if the chill were heavy, holding things in their place just a touch longer than normal.

the teller at the pull up window at the bank chats casually with the woman at the next terminal, not worried about the double lane line that has formed behind her. the lady working the line at the pharmacy takes several minutes to ring up a man with a small water hose, staring at the buttons on the register as if she’d never seen them before.

for me the winter season is always a time of reflection. days like this make me wonder if i might just be surrounded by strangers just like me- walking slow amid blistering winds all caught up in their heads. quiet thoughts kept in their minds somewhere behind their eyes, thoughtful musings of things previously ignored or just lost during the busy productive days of the summer months just past.

so as it goes, i guess. soon it will be that time when quiet self reflection turns into a vapid frenzy of resolutions. resolutions made to steady uneasy minds that these cold months will not deplete them of the energy and forward movement of late, or deprive them of what they would be at their best were it not for these short days and long nights of indulgence holding them back.

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